Motherhood After Dark

My Post-Partum Body

I gained exactly 30lbs during my pregnancy which brings me to a grand total of 216 lbs. I want to believe that I was mostly all belly which is great for photos and makes for a comforting resting place for the hands. After Charlotte was born, I felt as light as a feather – literally. I remember seeing my mom down the hall in the hospital and power walking towards her.

At seven weeks post-partum, I was able to fit back into my denim jeans and I felt on top of the world. Granted, there was a little bit more fluff spilling over the top of the jeans than there was before but nonetheless, they fit ! When I went to my late six-week check-up with my OBGYN, I weighed approximately 205 lbs.

Fast forward to our first family road trip to Ottawa, Keith and I went over to Rideau Centre where I found myself in Banana Republic ready to shop my favourite sale. I eagerly grabbed an assortment of tops, bottoms and dresses and went into the fitting room. As Keith waited somewhat patiently with Charlotte, I decided I would try on the clothes quickly to confirm what I already knew – that they would look great (in my head, I already envisioned myself out and about in certain pieces).

Well, the joke was on me because out of all the items I put on, only one actually fit. The smile that I had on my face fell and my level of confidence fell several notches. I mean, obviously my body had changed after having Charlotte but come on, how many sizes UP would I have to go? I showed Keith the one dress that fit and see what he thought of it. He smiled and said I looked great but I wasn’t sure if he was saying it to be polite in front of others or if he really meant it. Like numbers, to me, the mirror doesn’t lie. I used to be a size eight in Banana Republic at best! I don’t remember the size range that I had selected but the bottom line was that I didn’t fit it.

I changed quickly and returned my overly eager pile of clothes to the sales woman. Without any eye contact, I told her that I wasn’t interested in any of the items. Thankfully, Charlotte had started to cry and I used that as an excuse to leave the store abruptly. When Keith asked me why I didn’t buy anything, I mumbled an excuse hoping that he would leave me alone. If you know Keith, you know that he can be very persistent and eventually, I had to admit that none of the clothes really fit and even the dress he believed looked good on me, I refused to buy because I didn’t want to get comfortable with being at that size – whatever that was.

At five months post-partum, I weigh 185lbs and while that’s nothing to some, it means a whole lot to me. I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight which is cool but every so often, I become obsessive about my weight. The most brilliant I’ve had as of last week has been to join a fitness bootcamp for six weeks. Prior to that, I joined Latoya Forever’s 30-Day She’s Tough Fitness program and while I have reached up to week four, I have yet to complete the program. At 5’6 with a medium frame, I should weigh between 130-144lbs which means that I am way off! I have concluded that at the heart of the matter, there is a clear disconnect between how I think I look and how I actually look and it’s downright frustrating.

Now that my bra size has increased, I have slightly wider hips and a more defined muffin top I will be honest and say, I’m not as comfortable as I used to be in my skin. Needless to say, I won’t be returning to my small/medium size crop tops any time soon. Thankfully, I married someone who has loved my 2014,2017 an now 2018 and to hear Keith admire me despite the extra lumps and bumps helps tremendously. Maybe, more than I even give him credit for…

And so, because I am a go-getter, I believe in lists and checking things off, the current plan of action is to continue to eat as clean as possible and return to GoodLife and participate in the classes that I love. The challenge will be to work around Keith’s work schedule that varies on a weekly basis but it’s not an impossible task.

The truth of the matter is that I will probably never have my pre-pregnancy body in the same way again. Structurally, there has been a necessary change that was required to bring forth this life. And while I accept that most days, I still struggle with this ‘new me’ and that’s okay. To be quite frank, I know it will take awhile before I’m completely comfortable again. Don’t expect to see me showing off my post-partum body any time soon, apart from the fact that I was never really that person to begin with, now I’m REALLY not that kind of person. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I had a great snapback but what I do need is to get myself to a place where I love my body again for how it is, everything else is secondary.

Xx

See you in two weeks !